| The mobile phone has been heralded as a great | | | | complaining that he's not big enough to touch the |
| invention, but I automatically frown upon any tool | | | | side. Pompey are a great shout at 10/11 to take |
| that encourages spousal interaction. | | | | advantage. |
| I remember my feeling of angst as my circle of | | | | I had to laugh when I heard Lawrie Sanchez accuse |
| friend embraced the technological breakthrough. Even | | | | Arsenal players of simulation. Baird's challenge on Hleb |
| my old man joined in, and he's a complete | | | | was probably the most gratuitous trip since the Tony |
| technophobe; he once sold his television because a | | | | Blair era. I'm falling over the 5/4 for a Fulham win |
| little fellow in the corner of the screen was making | | | | over the Boro. |
| hand signals towards him. | | | | Roy Keane has launched an astonishing tirade against |
| The wife shares my disdain for this evil apparatus. I | | | | footballers' wives for wielding too much influence. |
| really felt for her when she realised her fingers were | | | | What Roy fails to realise is that modern day |
| too chunky for the keypad: she wasn't too upset | | | | relationships are a true partnership, where ideas are |
| though, she has the same problem with the landline. | | | | exchanged in a frank and open manner until the male |
| After several years of steadfast resistance, I finally | | | | gets knocked out. The 11/5 for a Sunderland win |
| caved. I'm now the proud owner of a phone that can | | | | over Wigan is particularly tasty. |
| take photos, record video, play music, cook dinner | | | | Tottenham's transfer policy has left me decidedly |
| and nip down the offy; the only thing it can't do is | | | | perplexed. To spend £16.5m on what should be |
| make a telephone call without crackling like a | | | | your 4th choice striker is particularly puzzling, |
| pensioner. | | | | especially when your midfield is in worse shape than |
| My decision to join the mobile revolution has paid off | | | | Amy Winehouse. Derby have to be backed at 3/1 to |
| handsomely as I now have access to 'Frank TV'. I'm | | | | take a point from the Lane. |
| a real Lampard fan; I even subscribe to his popular | | | | It's been announced that Joey Barton's trial for an |
| video hosting website, YouTub. | | | | alleged attack on a former team-mate will commence |
| I'm looking forward to watching Frank strut his | | | | on October 4th. I'm guessing the six-week delay is to |
| considerable stuff at Anfield on Sunday. Chelsea are | | | | allow the prosecution enough time to catalogue his |
| an outstanding bet at 21/10 as Liverpool will be | | | | previous form. I can't wait to take the evens for a |
| without their star performer from last week's win | | | | Newcastle win over Villa. |
| over the Villa; they'll really miss young Riley. | | | | I remember when Craig Bellamy found himself in the |
| Losing Wayne Rooney to a long term injury would | | | | dock after a nightclub ruck with a young female |
| normally be catastrophic, but when you have Carlos | | | | reveller. One witness testified that he was so out of |
| Tevez waiting in the wings, the blow is considerably | | | | control, she struggled to pull him off: we've all been |
| softened. Tevez is almost a clone of Rooney, only | | | | there after a few ales. A little punt on the Hammers |
| without the excess fat; although I should | | | | leaving St Andrews with a point at 23/10 will prove |
| congratulate her on landing her own TV show. Carlos | | | | uplifting. |
| is big enough and unquestionably ugly enough to | | | | For Steve Coppell, an outbreak of '2nd season |
| nullify the loss of Rooney and Ronaldo, United must | | | | syndrome' is the greatest threat to the dressing |
| be backed at 9/10 to take the derby day honours. | | | | room since 'bird flu', although in the interest of |
| Jens Lehmann will still be seething after his opening | | | | fairness, Bellamy was acquitted. Reading can repel the |
| day gaffe. The excitable German couldn't have | | | | manger's fears by taking a point off Everton at 9/4. |
| looked more like a clown without a pair of giant | | | | If my source is to be believed, Frank Lampard will be |
| shoes, a ginger wig and Fergie's nose. I'm raising a | | | | the next high profile footballer to be arrested. Senior |
| smile to the gargantuan 5/4 for an Arsenal win over | | | | police officials are considering charging him with |
| Blackburn. | | | | possession of an offensive relative. Portsmouth, |
| Even though Bolton are pointless after two matches, | | | | Fulham, Manchester United and Arsenal form a 15/1 |
| the wife is convinced that Sammy Lee will stick with | | | | weekend accer that will raise funds for my campaign |
| the same team for the trip to Fratton Park. I | | | | to free the Chelsea 1½. |
| overheard her on the phone to her mother | | | | |