Why Fight the Hand That Kneads You?

The mobile phone has been heralded as a greatcomplaining that he's not big enough to touch the
invention, but I automatically frown upon any toolside. Pompey are a great shout at 10/11 to take
that encourages spousal interaction.advantage.
I remember my feeling of angst as my circle ofI had to laugh when I heard Lawrie Sanchez accuse
friend embraced the technological breakthrough. EvenArsenal players of simulation. Baird's challenge on Hleb
my old man joined in, and he's a completewas probably the most gratuitous trip since the Tony
technophobe; he once sold his television because aBlair era. I'm falling over the 5/4 for a Fulham win
little fellow in the corner of the screen was makingover the Boro.
hand signals towards him.Roy Keane has launched an astonishing tirade against
The wife shares my disdain for this evil apparatus. Ifootballers' wives for wielding too much influence.
really felt for her when she realised her fingers wereWhat Roy fails to realise is that modern day
too chunky for the keypad: she wasn't too upsetrelationships are a true partnership, where ideas are
though, she has the same problem with the landline.exchanged in a frank and open manner until the male
After several years of steadfast resistance, I finallygets knocked out. The 11/5 for a Sunderland win
caved. I'm now the proud owner of a phone that canover Wigan is particularly tasty.
take photos, record video, play music, cook dinnerTottenham's transfer policy has left me decidedly
and nip down the offy; the only thing it can't do isperplexed. To spend £16.5m on what should be
make a telephone call without crackling like ayour 4th choice striker is particularly puzzling,
pensioner.especially when your midfield is in worse shape than
My decision to join the mobile revolution has paid offAmy Winehouse. Derby have to be backed at 3/1 to
handsomely as I now have access to 'Frank TV'. I'mtake a point from the Lane.
a real Lampard fan; I even subscribe to his popularIt's been announced that Joey Barton's trial for an
video hosting website, YouTub.alleged attack on a former team-mate will commence
I'm looking forward to watching Frank strut hison October 4th. I'm guessing the six-week delay is to
considerable stuff at Anfield on Sunday. Chelsea areallow the prosecution enough time to catalogue his
an outstanding bet at 21/10 as Liverpool will beprevious form. I can't wait to take the evens for a
without their star performer from last week's winNewcastle win over Villa.
over the Villa; they'll really miss young Riley.I remember when Craig Bellamy found himself in the
Losing Wayne Rooney to a long term injury woulddock after a nightclub ruck with a young female
normally be catastrophic, but when you have Carlosreveller. One witness testified that he was so out of
Tevez waiting in the wings, the blow is considerablycontrol, she struggled to pull him off: we've all been
softened. Tevez is almost a clone of Rooney, onlythere after a few ales. A little punt on the Hammers
without the excess fat; although I shouldleaving St Andrews with a point at 23/10 will prove
congratulate her on landing her own TV show. Carlosuplifting.
is big enough and unquestionably ugly enough toFor Steve Coppell, an outbreak of '2nd season
nullify the loss of Rooney and Ronaldo, United mustsyndrome' is the greatest threat to the dressing
be backed at 9/10 to take the derby day honours.room since 'bird flu', although in the interest of
Jens Lehmann will still be seething after his openingfairness, Bellamy was acquitted. Reading can repel the
day gaffe. The excitable German couldn't havemanger's fears by taking a point off Everton at 9/4.
looked more like a clown without a pair of giantIf my source is to be believed, Frank Lampard will be
shoes, a ginger wig and Fergie's nose. I'm raising athe next high profile footballer to be arrested. Senior
smile to the gargantuan 5/4 for an Arsenal win overpolice officials are considering charging him with
Blackburn.possession of an offensive relative. Portsmouth,
Even though Bolton are pointless after two matches,Fulham, Manchester United and Arsenal form a 15/1
the wife is convinced that Sammy Lee will stick withweekend accer that will raise funds for my campaign
the same team for the trip to Fratton Park. Ito free the Chelsea 1½.
overheard her on the phone to her mother