| Loving your step-child can be both simple and hard. It | | | | of it like a daily vitamin, they may not need the |
| is not enough for parents, step parents and | | | | supplementation today, but then again they might. |
| extended family to feel a deep glow of love for the | | | | Don't let a day go by without letting them know how |
| children in your circle of influence. You must convey | | | | much they are appreciated and loved. A wonderful |
| that feeling into a message that is heard, felt and | | | | ritual a blended family we know does is recite to |
| integrated by the child. Children need to be told both | | | | children individually each night a list of all the people in |
| verbally and non-verbally how much they are valued | | | | their lives that love them. They end with saying, "You |
| for just being them. | | | | are such a blessed and lucky person, look how many |
| As I interviewed children for my latest book Raise a | | | | people love and care about you." |
| Confident Child, I was struck by how many children | | | | 5. Truly listen to them. One of the most effective |
| thought their parent's love was tied to their | | | | ways to show a child you love him or her is to pay |
| performance, character or behavior. As Jeremy told | | | | attention when they are talking. Be empathic while |
| me "When ever I score at soccer, my dad really | | | | accepting your child's feelings and try to maintain eye |
| loves me." | | | | contact while they are sharing with you. Children are |
| As I teach in parenting classes across the country, | | | | often deeply upset over things that seem pretty |
| many people ask me what they can do to have | | | | trivial to adults. When we brush off or trivialize their |
| stronger families and more harmony at home. My | | | | concerns it feels like a rejection of him personally. |
| answer is in the non-verbal clues we give our children. | | | | 6. Have family meetings. It is good to remember a |
| Verbal communication is the language of information | | | | family is an organization. In fact, it is the basic |
| and much of that is spent in lecturing, teaching and | | | | organization of society. This is just one of the |
| correcting our children. No wonder they tune most of | | | | reasons I am such a proponent of family meetings. |
| it out. Studies have shown we remember only | | | | You wouldn't think of running a successful business |
| 10--20% of what we hear. | | | | without a plan, goal setting meetings, team building |
| Non-verbal communication is the language of | | | | sessions and clear missions and expectations. For |
| relationships and is remembered and believed 80-90% | | | | more information on how to set up family meetings |
| of the time. So even if you do tell your children you | | | | see . |
| love them, do you show them how precious they | | | | 7. Develop love touches and signals. The safest touch |
| are to you? Do your actions demonstrate that your | | | | your new baby has is you. Let him feel your cheek |
| love and acceptance is not conditional upon their | | | | against his sweet little head; rub his legs and arms |
| school grades, soccer goals or manners at the table? | | | | when you change his diaper. As children grow older, |
| Below are 8 simple (note I did not say easy, because | | | | surround them with love in the form of hugs, kisses, |
| any positive change in behavior is hard, but the end | | | | holding hands when taking a walk or even winking at |
| result is well worth the effort) ways to express your | | | | them when they look at you. Develop love signals for |
| love and appreciation to and for your child. | | | | children as they begin to draw away from displays of |
| 1. Play games together. From the earliest months of | | | | affection in public. Perhaps your family gives high |
| your baby's life, it came natural to play peek-a-boo | | | | fives, touches thumbs, or squeezes each other's |
| when changing a diaper, or airplane when trying to | | | | hands quickly to show you are all on the same team. |
| get food into your toddler's mouth. As children get | | | | 8. Keep a list of reasons you admire them. |
| less dependent on us, we forget to play silly games | | | | Sometimes the very things that irritate us the most |
| to hold their attention. Bring out the board games and | | | | with children are the strengths they will need to |
| turn off the TV, or play tag in the backyard. Do not | | | | succeed in life. We have to recognize that a stubborn |
| allow competition or winning become more important | | | | child will turn into a tenacious adult, eventually. |
| than just being together. | | | | 9. Separate the deed from the doer. Remember it is |
| 2. Read with or to them at least 20 minutes daily. | | | | the behavior that we find unacceptable not the child. |
| Children, even a few months old are comforted and | | | | There is a big difference between the two and when |
| soothed by the sound and rhythm of your voice as | | | | we are angry, we tend to lump them together. Just |
| you read to them. The most important sounds a child | | | | because John takes money from the dresser does |
| can hear come from his parents and care-givers. | | | | not make him a thief. It makes him a boy who made |
| When you read to children, you share such an | | | | a bad decision and needs to learn that it is not |
| important message for them, that you value reading | | | | acceptable to take money or anything else from |
| and learning. Snuggling up and reading every day | | | | anyone without permission. |
| before bedtime or while dinner is cooking should | | | | 10. Don't make it or take it personal. All families have |
| continue, even after the children can read by | | | | squabbles and all children say they wish their parents |
| themselves. We found the best way to curtail | | | | and caregivers were more lenient, generous or |
| arguments while the after-dinner chores were being | | | | understanding. We all try to do the best we can with |
| done, was to read aloud. Good stories provide | | | | what we have been given, but we are the adults and |
| problem solving experiences and allow children to look | | | | must make sure that no matter what the children |
| at events in their own lives from a different | | | | have given or called us, that we give them guidance, |
| perspective. Turn off the TV and turn on the | | | | love, discipline and respect. It is our obligation to set |
| imagination as you read together. | | | | consistent boundaries and to assist them in growing |
| 3. Start and end each day on a positive note. | | | | into self-directed, contributing members of society. |
| Remember to use body language to indicate | | | | So often we do what is called unconscious parenting, |
| approval. A hug, high five, pat on the back or smile | | | | just getting through the day. It is not that we don't |
| says so much without saying anything verbal .It has | | | | love our family; it is just that the love sometimes |
| been said that eyes are the windows of our souls. If | | | | gets lost in the translation through poor |
| that is indeed true, and I think it is, make sure your | | | | communications or unskillful methods. I would like to |
| eyes always say "hello, I'm glad to see you and I am | | | | challenge you to be more conscious in the words and |
| glad you are in my life." Recognize when your child is | | | | actions that affect the children in your circle of |
| helpful and cooperative. Many times we take it for | | | | influence. Hopefully, you will find some techniques |
| granted when our children do their chores without | | | | here that will assist you in your efforts. |
| being reminded, are pleasant to the family and write | | | | You do the most important work in the world. |
| down messages. However, we only react, sometimes | | | | "I was a step-parent at the young age of 24 and |
| loudly and with negative body language, when the | | | | would have appreciated the information contained |
| message wasn't given, the chore wasn't done quickly | | | | within this article in relation to my role in my |
| enough or the attitude is less than approachable. | | | | step-children's lives. Thank you." |
| 4. Try complimenting them at least once a day. Think | | | | -Mary M. |