| Fellow Americans, before you sign my death warrant, | | | | 5. Third World Success |
| know that I am talking about American Soccer, | | | | Many third world countries are pretty good at |
| otherwise known as Football in the rest of the world. | | | | Soccer. For those economists out there, think low |
| So relax - it's okay - I'm only poking fun at Soccer! | | | | barriers to entry. Youngsters need only a ball (or a |
| I have been watching Euro 2008 on television, | | | | close approximation thereof), a dusty or grassy plain, |
| although I can't tell which games have already been | | | | and a few friends. Perhaps that is why Soccer |
| played (taped delay anyone?). Oh well - I don't know | | | | permeates the lives of many third-worlders. Unlike |
| any of the teams, players, or coaches, so ignorance | | | | material wealth, Soccer skills are easily attained and |
| is bliss. | | | | careers as Soccer players are within reach for the |
| After watching a few key match-ups (as I am told | | | | best talent, regardless of income. |
| by the announcers) and ingesting a few slices of | | | | Conversely, Americans like sports that require |
| pizza and cheap American beer, I have reached the | | | | high-tech training, nutritionists, and expensive |
| following conclusion: Soccer Stinks. | | | | equipment. Think American Football, Baseball, or |
| I actually played Soccer for years. The sport is fun | | | | Hockey. We excel at sports where our infinite |
| during your childhood, but somehow the pleasurable, | | | | resources provide an edge in World competition. |
| family atmosphere turns into a boring and violent | | | | Soccer is the exception, so therefore we dislike the |
| theatre filled with male drama queens. Over the | | | | sport and produce rather unexceptional teams. All our |
| years I have watched Olympic Soccer, World Cups, | | | | real athletes play other sports! |
| and some German League matches (we had great | | | | 6. The Nasties |
| cable channels when I was young). | | | | I used to think that hockey players were |
| Let me reiterate: Soccer Stinks. While watching some | | | | pound-for-pound the meanest athletes on the planet. |
| fine Soccer matches I actually wanted to kill myself. | | | | Watching Soccer has changed my mind. |
| So without further delay, I humbly present 10 | | | | Soccer players are nasty and talented individuals. |
| Reasons Why I Hate Football: | | | | That makes a dangerous combination. Cleats as |
| 1. Drunken Fans | | | | weapons, goal posts as battering rams, fists as clubs |
| In American Football stadiums, we actually close the | | | | - get the point? At least provide some protection for |
| beer and booze stands before the end of the game. | | | | these guys - maybe a helmet or stick would help. |
| When do European and Latin American stadiums turn | | | | Perhaps the players need an outlet for their pent-up |
| off the juice? My money's on NEVER. | | | | aggression. I suppose their aggression is aggravated |
| If I wanted to see drunken, violent Europeans in | | | | by the boredom inherent in standing on a hot field |
| action, I would wear my Dodgers cap, grab a pink | | | | for ninety minutes in front of thirty thousand drunk |
| Polo short and some Nike sneakers, and visit an | | | | men, with no women in sight. Yep, that'll do it. |
| English pub. Or maybe attend a Prodigy concert in | | | | 7. The Theater |
| Berlin. | | | | In American sports, when a player goes down it |
| American sports fans do the wave. We tail gate and | | | | usually means a serious condition. In Soccer, these |
| cook burgers. We bring our families and play catch | | | | male drama queens feign death and then miraculously |
| with our children. We also eat ice cream and leave | | | | jump and run when a foul is called against the |
| games early to beat the traffic. | | | | opposition. What other sport allows and encourages |
| World Soccer fans kick the crap out of each other. | | | | such theatrics? Does the referee get mad when a |
| Period. I can't say I blame them. After ninety minutes | | | | player fakes an injury and then scores a goal? Don't |
| of back-and-forth and beer in the hot sun, I would | | | | Europeans know the story of the "Boy who cried |
| probably beat the hell out of my best friend. Soccer | | | | wolf?" I would hand out yellow cards to any sissies |
| fans are time bombs waiting to explode. | | | | that go down and cry wolf. How do the trainers |
| And by the way, when European fans paint their | | | | know when real injuries occur? Is there some sort of |
| faces and then riot, I am reminded of the brutal war | | | | secret code ("hold your left ankle to fake, hold your |
| scenes in Braveheart. Maybe World Soccer teams | | | | right ankle if you need help")? |
| needs cute mascots to lower the testosterone. Miami | | | | 8. Wasted Space |
| Dolphins anyone? | | | | I think the layout of Soccer stadiums and fields |
| 2. Boredom | | | | closely match Football fields. Think of how much |
| If you can finish your taxes and not miss the action, | | | | American Football could be played overseas without |
| you are watching a boring sports event. Soccer has | | | | investing in sports infrastructure? Repaint the lines |
| the lowest scoring totals of any sport in the history | | | | and let's play some ball. And in this age of |
| of the world. Kick. Run. Fall. Repeat. | | | | environmental activism, can't we boycott countries |
| I cannot deny the physical skill possessed by | | | | that waste precious land on stupid Soccer fields? |
| World-class Soccer players. However, when that skill | | | | 9. Culture Wars |
| is spread out over a few touches over ninety | | | | Soccer or Football? Too much confusion. I wish the |
| minutes, one word comes to mind: BORING. Soccer | | | | Soccer/Football luminaries would get together and |
| clinics are more interesting than actual matches. | | | | decide once and for all. Here's the problem - I think |
| 3. Penalty Kicks | | | | Football is the correct term! But considering the |
| Let me get this straight - you run around for ninety | | | | French and German attitudes during the Iraq War, I |
| minutes and then if the score is tied when the | | | | for one refuse to concede the point. It is a matter |
| whistle blows, you don't play overtime? Are you | | | | of national pride. Unfortunately American Soccer is |
| kidding? Penalty kicks are unfair and unusual. A team | | | | the victim of this ugly culture war, but hey, sacrifices |
| game is reduced to individual effort in a completely | | | | must be made. As long as American Football is |
| different format. Must be the beer. Fans will start | | | | unscathed, they can have their bloody Football! |
| passing out if an overtime period is allowed. | | | | 10. Americans Stink at Soccer |
| 4. The Women (or a lack thereof) | | | | We Americans simply cannot play Soccer. We are a |
| Have you ever noticed the lack of women in | | | | nation inflicted with Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD), |
| attendance? Soccer is male domination at its finest. | | | | so what more can we expect? We need action, |
| How can you have a family atmosphere when | | | | women, and points. Soccer's boredom is a permanent |
| women don't come to the games? I think men | | | | blight on an otherwise beautiful sport. So when does |
| planned it that way. Perhaps a Soccer match is one | | | | Football season start? |
| big male bonding seminar. Complete with beer, riots, | | | | (C) Copyright 2008 Robert J. |
| and boredom. | | | | |